Monday, 4 February 2013

The Top 10 Ways Xbox Live Trolls You

#1 - Lag, Latency and Third World Internet

If you are from the West Coast of USA, Australia, Mexico, Japan, Hong Kong Special Administrated Area (S.A.R) or New Zealand nobody in fucking Europe, Canada or the rest of the USA likes you or wants to play multiplayer games with you, go get your own regional servers and piss each other off in there. You have so much latency that any victory you have is not earned, but is given to you. Your special superhero powers mean nobody can actually land a hit/shot on you and while you think you're good at the game, you may as well be playing against a 3 year old because on another persons screen they just loaded a full clip in to you or beat you silly to see you take no damage, or 1/10th the damage you were liable for. Simply, because you're near Asia aka geographically in the fucking middle of nowhere your very presence makes the game so unbalanced you might as well be fucking hacking. This is the cause of much violence, broken controllers, angry voice messages and rage quitting. Fuck you people who live nowhere near the rest of civilization (Europe/East Coast U.S)

#2 - Little Kids/Creepy Guys (Virgins that cum when they hear a feminine voice)

So if you're so young/female that your body hasn't managed to reach a state of growth where your voice doesn't sound like the chirping of a chick in it's nest, regardless of what you say your voice is whiny and too high up and thus needs to be brought down an octave for everyone else to feel like like their ears are not being raped by the war cry of a threatened child or adolescent female. Not only that, but you little kids fucking love to have conversations with your mother while talking through your mic in the main lobby so everyone can hear what the fuck mummy is cooking for dinner for you. So you're loud, whiny and come across as weak/stupid. Obviously you're young, so you have an excuse - but this is why adults play xbox - to escape real life and problems like you, problems like little kids - little kids allowed to mingle with elders on the fucking internet (sometimes in graphically violent games) have shit  fucking parents that should learn what the fuck parental control settings are for and actually go about protecting the internet from the abomination which is their fucked up, ill-behaved spoilt little brat. I do not want to hear your child and neither do I want to babysit it over the internet, so be a proper fucking parent.

As for creepy guys - just fucking stop. You are the reason so many girls have an air of superiority to their stride, attitude and tone - you just serve to falsely increase feminine ego's at the expense and the integrity of the collective male gender. If a girl is so close-minded, bitchy and arrogant it's probably because people like you fucking wet yourself every time you hear a female voice over Xbox Live. Women are not fucking special or precious unless they earn that position, so get over 'em - they make up just over half of the fucking population, so for all you clueless youngsters who are overly excited at the thought of boobs and vag, here's a fucking tip - keep some composure or you'll never get laid.

Treating females like royalty who don't know you, in real life or on Xbox Live is a sure fire way to make sure she never finds you attractive - NOT EVER. So...

send her friend requests JUST BECAUSE she is female
- DO NOT ask her for naked pictures when she isn't even flirting with you or showing any sexual interest in you, that is just fucking ridiculous
be an ass to her male friends because you see them as a threat to the potential hypothetical possible paradigm where your penis penetrates her insides and you know the other guys would love to molest/shag/rape her like that too. It's pathetic.

Just stop. Stop feeding bitches egos and creeping them the fuck out all at the same time, have a bit of self-respect and be a composed fucking human. I believe the concept is known as "integrity". Perhaps if guys were not so creepy, misogynistic, offensive and just fucking weird towards girls over Xbox Live, then a few more of them may actually fucking connect their microphones and be a lot less anti-social, apprehensive and defensive. I swear, most girls I've met online almost expect you to be a creep or looking to somehow have sex with them through xbox party chat, so way to go guys. Xbox Live is a place for both genders, accept it - stop being a creepy misogynistic cunt looking for a nerdgasm and get the fuck over it - we're here to game.

#3 - Online Passes

Oh my fucking lord, who ever came up with the concept of online passes needs to be fucking shot by a horny necrophiliac firing squad and have the video put up on Youporn. Honestly, good lord! Online passes rob gamers who shop pre-owned of the chance to enjoy the multiplayer, what's worse is to get at the achievement demographic such games will always employ some multiplayer achievements on purpose (think EA and Battlefield 3 for example) so that unless you support them directly as well as the business establishment you bought the game from, you're forced to miss out on a huge chunk of the game. That's not acceptable at all and just because places like Gamestop have taken the piss and "robbed" development studios of money, it doesn't mean that cost should of been passed on to the consumer - it should of been passed on to the businesses who sell used, taxing them royalties for selling used - rather than shafting gamers on an already tight budget (hence why they buy used). Fucking idiots. Fucking online passes. Suck my cock EA.

#4 - DLC that costs more than fucking takeaway (take-out you yanks call it) or the game itself

One word: Stranglehold - if you know about this game then you know the game costs about £3 and it has dlc for £10 which gives 250 gamerscore. They're just maps for the multiplayer and add fuck all to an already drab game. Are they serious about this price point for the DLC maps? You must be snorting something if you think you can logically justify such a fucking dire, shitty price point. I'll have 1,000/1250 any fucking day you ask, rather than pay these greedy arseholes triple the value of the game just to finish up my completion to 100%. Fuck gaming OCD, fuck over-priced DLC, fuckoff trying to rip me off.

#5 - Games on Demand

A bigger scam than online passes, but with online passes often buying new is too expensive and so you're in a catch 22 which forces you to buy full-price or just cough up the change whereas with GoD you can usually find the retail title much cheaper (unless the GoD is also a game which has a online pass affecting retail copies, then you're double fucked and it may make the GoD seem like a good deal when in reality it isn't). Games on Demand have a monopoly on their price point as nobody else can offer the game digitally at a lower price, there is no undercutting, you can't sell them on when you're done with them and if you hate the game, good luck getting a refund. Games on Demand offer a lot less freedom than retail game purchases and often enough their price point is too high to justify being worthy of a purchase. If this is the digital future of gaming from next gen, consider 360 the console where I make my stand. I wrote more in-depth about that topic here:

#6 - Accent Racism

First and foremost, I have one of the most superior English accents in existence. I am from the south coast of England, I pronounce every letter in the way it should be spelt, I spell words in the British English way and I enunciate properly unless I'm being lazy or switch in to speaking slang for leisure. Every other accent other than where I'm from, perhaps the Kent/Surrey regions of England as well as classism based received pronunciation (aka. the Queens English) is a dialect of standard English, most people in the world speak non-standard English. American English is not Standard English, it's American English - which is a dialect of Standard English and also has own it's sub dialects from different regions of the states (such as NY accent is very diff to a "southern" one). If you have a Yorkshire accent, you speak in a dialect. If you're Welsh, Scottish or Irish - again you don't speak proper Standard English, you replace vowel sounds even when you don't speak in slang EG: most scots say "teh" instead of "the" Irish: "tear" instead of "there". The Americans speak in a higher pitch than the language is intended to be spoken, and the Canadians/Australians/Kiwis copy them with that, as well as just flat out replace words with completely different words and then standardise that into their own dialects eg: Soccer instead of Football, Trash instead of Rubbish, Candy instead of Sweets etc. Being aware of all this, I don't expect everyone I come in to contact with to have a decent English education or sound like they're from where I live - in fact I like varying accents and I think it's cute how a lot of people can't hear their own accent yet are quick to notice yours - saying that, I hate assholes who rip on people for their accents. If you are a nigger from the hood in america, you live in a posh rural village in England or you live in fucking Dublin or Sydney - we all speak the same language, but the auditory aesthetics are simply different. Embrace diversity, don't be a dick about it. Don't judge people on their voice or how it sounds, judge people on what they have to say.

#7 - Unbalanced Teams

So if I go in to a game of Halo, I'm on my own or with a single other friend and the rest of my team are randoms and I go up against a full team who are all mic'ed up and calling out their every action to each other, cleaning up each others kills and collectively teabagging like a bunch of fags in a homosexual rape den - is that a fucking balanced game? Fuck no. It really fucking ticks me off how FPS is so casualised these days it will allow full teams to go against teams of randoms. That's not fair, that's not right - that's not cool. Fucking fix this. I'm looking at you 343 Industries.

#8 - Advertisements on the Dashboard

Are you fucking shitting me?!?! It's about £30 a year (you can pay £25-£35 so taking the mid-point here) for Xbox Live Gold. I pay for an internet connection. I pay for the xbox. I pay the electricity. I pay for the house the xbox is in and I pay for my games. Despite all of that, you bombard the fucking dashboard in advertisements and HIDE so much functionality among ads and other BS. Are you fucking serious Micro$$$$$oft? Holy shit. Not only are the ads annoying ,intrusive and ugly but they slow up the xbox loading times by utilising additional memory from the graphics card and bandwidth from your internet connection. Slow internet users  in rural locations must have a ridiculous dashboard loading time, I have fibre-optic 30 meg internet (getting upgraded to 60 meg for free in a few months) and even I notice the loading times. Ridiculous notion, poor service.

#9 - Recycled Deals of the Week / Garbage Promotions

How many times has Red Dead Redemption DLC seen a fucking temporary reduction? How many times has GTA IV DLC seen a fucking reduction? How many times has Sonic the fucking Hedgehog been on sale? Honestly - if you're going to constantly put shit on sale - permanently reduce the price - sales should be legitimate bargains offering a temporary reduction on games that people wouldn't have had about 5,000,000 different chances to "snatch up" reduced before. Free Kinect arcade games being offered to try and entice the core gamer to get a Kinect, free avatar props and crappy Dr Pepper gamerpics are not fucking good promotions or giveaways. If you're going to do something, do it fucking properly or don't bother - a lot of us are offended by the constant trash you're marketing to us under the guise that it's a "bargain". Fuckoff.

#10 - Microsoft Points

You're charged for content in lame ass points rather than actual money, this means people are left over with weird point sums they can't even spend on anything (or anything they want). It also means people buy more because people don't recognise microsoft points as a legitimate currency (and it isn't) but it's like buying things with monopoly money and hence psychologically it promotes impulse buying as emotionally there's a lack of feeling you're actually making a purchase that effects your bank balance (you know it does logically, but emotionally it doesn't feel so bad) however to get this monopoly money you must exchange real hard earned money for it. This whole system of exchange is a fucking sham in my opinion.

If you've been reading my blogs for awhile now and yet still haven't bookmarked it or told your friends, stop being a dick - support my literary genius and show some fucking love! - for the love of god, what you're doing is the equivalent of Facebook stalking. Follow my shit or get in touch, your stealth isn't making you Ezio!

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